Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It'll be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")

Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But Indeed, confident, let us have An additional spot wherever American Gentlemen can put on robes and contact it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: provide Anyone a suite within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is soft ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and even more minibar updates."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It is really that he should end employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned about the undertaking, replied, "You know, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great people. Good tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."

Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head noticeable from House, a element becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… well, categorized.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after discovering the constructing's gold plating Trump Tower Damascus mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It is really not just unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Characteristics

Perhaps the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

A silent atrium wherever attendees may well contemplate vague disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Manage established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Nearby Syrians are unsure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Internet marketing Approach: "In case you Bomb It, They'll Occur"

The ad campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Without end."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."

Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge shows:

34% say "it might stabilize the world"

29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"

18% explained "where's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"

Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"

The task is now attracting interest from Worldwide traders, which include:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll acquire 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage can even involve:

A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War

Remark Part Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Won't be able to wait around to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"At last, a resort exactly where my PTSD might have switch-down services."

Another article from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Influence

U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports propose:

China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Ultimate Feelings within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:

"Damascus necessary hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave it all a few. You're welcome."